Conspicuous Lack of Earth-Shattering Kaboom

Allow me to start by saying that I am not a good cook. Although, I suppose, in the spirit of unbridled honesty, it is more accurate to say that I am not a cook. Since I'm getting older (funny how that works), and good nutrition will become increasingly important in keeping my figure(svelte!), and achieving my goals, (jousting, eventing, and hitting people with sticks both on foot and on horseback.) I decided that it was high time I do something about that. To that end, I asked Santa for a Grill for Christmas. Why a grill? Well, there's several reasons. Some of which are even good.

1. I have it on good authority that grilling is a rather healthy way to cook.


2. Grilling is a fast way to cook.


3. Grilling is an easy way to cook.


4. Grilling is very Texan.


5. Cleaning a grill is easy.


6. It is my secret ambition to show up to a family gathering with awesome baby-back ribs.

Despite my many and varied transgressions this year, Santa very kindly put a Grill under the tree for me this year. And not just any grill, oh no sir. A Weber Genesis. As shown below:


I very happily took my new grill home and set it up, and for the five days let it sit, since I really didn't know what to do with it. So, yesterday, determined to not let my grill become one of those expensive kitchen gadgets that you buy, and never use, I want to Barnes and Nobles and bought a book. I spent the day studying the book, and decided that my first foray into the world of grilling would be the humble grilled burger. Simple, yet rewarding, and damn near impossible to screw up.

Or so I hoped. At about 18:00, I wrote a shopping list, and headed out to the store, bringing home 3lbs. Ground Chuck, chips, pickles, A1 and Worchestershire sauce. Once home with material components in hand for what I hoped would be an uncontested triumph, I jumped right to it before I lost my nerve. The first step was to light the grill. After double, and triple-checking the Grill's documentation for how to do so, I went outside, opened the grill cover, connected the pipe to the propane cylinder, turned on the gas and the first burner, crossed my fingers and hit the ignition button. And behold, there was flame! Encouraged by my first success, I tried the second and third burners. Both of which came alight without any problems, with the bonus effect of not reducing my grill, the house, or myself to a smoldering crater.

While the grill heated up, Zhizhu and I mixed in dried onion flakes, Worchestershire sauce, salt and pepper in with the ground beef, and set to work making patties. As it turns out, 3 pounds of ground chuck makes a lot of patties. Next time, I will buy no more than 2 lbs. Anyways, after forming the patties and putting each one on a square of wax paper, (see dad, I payed some attention.) I grabbed my grill spatula and the meat and headed out to the grill. After checking to make sure it was at the correct temperature, I placed the burgers on the grill before I lost my nerve. And then, I waited, resisting every single impulse I had to lift the lid and make sure I hadn't rendered Zhi and I's dinner to meat-flavored carbon. After about 5 minutes, something told me it was time to flip them now.

I pulled the cover of the grill up, and used the test that my new-found Grilling Bible taught me. The way it works is if you slide your spatula under the patty, and it will come loose without sticking, it's time to flip. All the patties passed, so they all were flipped. Shortly after I flipped them all, Zhi came out with a kitchen timer set of 5 minutes. So far, so good. I was still in possession of all my limbs and digits, the house was still standing, and the patties were beginning to resemble genuine, cooked food. Five minutes later, the timer dinged, and I took all the patties off the grill, and turned it off, leaving it to cool down before I put its cover back on it.

As I brought the meat in, I noticed that it certainly smelled good. Although, I didn't put it past my nose to tell me terrible lies, so I ignored it. Zhi and I each made up a burger and poured ourselves drinks. She went with Orange Juice, I went with a Malbec. I bravely and selflessly suggested that she take a bite of hers to tell me how it was.

I was prepared for everything from "We're ordering pizza." to "It's... interesting. But much to my surprise, she said, "It's good! Emboldened by the glowing review, and the fact that she did not immediately keel over from E. coli, I ventured a taste of my own burger. And holy shit, she was right! My first time grilling was an actual success! I would have been content with edible food, but actually producing something tasty was beyond my wildest expectations! Tomorrow, I am planning on trying my hand at grilling chicken. Assuming that I do not reduce my house to a smoldering crater, you can expect a full report here.